So I have to be honest, I'm feeling rather down today. It was one of those days where nothing went my way, and I was simply not happy. I'm very stressed about going back to work, and I'm worried about how my Fibro is going to handle itself once I'm feeling stressed and tired all the time again. Fibromyalgia is manageable in a low stress environment that allows me to get 10 hrs of sleep a night plus naps every day, but in a high stress environment with little sleep, it's very painful. I'm also worried about the first week back, when we have training and sit all day for a week. Usually sitting in a chair for more than 3 hours will start a flare up, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. It's nights like this when I really start to resent my condition. I know that I'm strong and a fighter but sometimes I find myself asking, "Why me?" and wish to feel good every day like normal people. To live everyday without having to stretch your body out or to lay flat because you've been sitting too long. It just doesn't seem fair, I feel this every second of every day.
But then I think of those who are dying, and have lost the battle of life and I have to consider myself lucky. I hope to one day come to peace with my condition. So far I have been unsuccessful.
I am also frustrated with how slowly my body is changing. Yes I look different, yes I've dropped weight, but why does it have to be so hard?? I feel like I have to bust my ass every day just to have the hope of looking fantastic. And I still am nowhere near it.
Don't get me wrong, I know I'm great, but sometimes it feels impossible to live up to our present day society's perception of beauty. I wish that all women could love themselves and appreciate their own beauty without the destructiveness that lies in negative comparatives. Maybe one of these days...
I know it's just an off day. I usually feel pretty good about things and I will feel better tomorrow. Everything will somehow work itself out and I will journey on in this unpredictable maze of life.